The "Ins and Outs" of Valentine's Day

by Lauren Little
Assistant Supervising Counselor

St. Patrick has his day; ghouls and ghosts even get their own too. It’s only fitting that lovers should have a day on the calendar as well. By the 14th of February, whether or not Cupid’s pegged you from behind (no pun intended), you’ve undoubtedly witnessed the overblown commercialism that is the Valentine’s day blitz. Is there anything real or earnest about the exchange anymore?

Well, there’s a few ways to ensure that at the very least the sex is real, up to par, and, of course, safe:

-Planning. It’s what makes Batman the best at what he does and you can be guaranteed he does it in the bedroom too. If you can make it appear spontaneous, there are bonus points to be scored, but going to extra mile can be surprising in itself. You don’t need a utility belt to stash your condoms, water-based lube, and dental dams, instead, strategically place them around the bedroom or intended places of fornication. Wherever that may be. Remember if you don’t have time to strategically purchase your condoms and lube so that the middle-aged cashier at Walgreen’s doesn’t notice, come stop by Hayes Annex C on South Campus to stock up on your FREE stash. Oh yeah, and Lifestyles Ultra Lubricated and Durex Love condoms have snazzy red packaging that fits the Valentine’s theme.


-Be Creative. There’s no Oscar for Most Mediocre Performance. Think outside the box (or get in one if you’re into that sort of thing) and try something different. As long as it’s safe (no hanging from the ceiling fan that’s missing a few screws), GO FOR IT! Of course, make sure you and your partner discuss new positions, toys, etc before trying them out. Keep in mind, whatever your muse inspires you to try, always use latex! No one wants their most memorable Valentine’s Day to be the one they got Chlamydia.

-Be Romantic. Nothing says, “I love you,” like a Hallmark card and a box of Russell Stover. Oh wait, just about anything is more romantic than that. Instead of just shoving a box of chocolate and a few roses into your partner’s arms, place the otherwise inert petals in the bed and seductively feed your lover the chocolates. This harkens back to the Be Creative clause. Also, if you’re thinking about using chocolate in other, more imaginative, ways, it’s best to keep it away from lady parts. Nothing spoils the post-Valentine’s Day glow like a sugar fueled yeast infection. Yummo! However, guys, you’re free to go swim in the stuff if you so much as please (so not fair, right?). If are really looking to spice things up taste wise, condoms, dental dams, and water-based lube come in a variety of seductive flavors.

-Love yourself! You don’t have to commission a ten foot tall nude portrait of yourself riding a tiger, but don’t sell yourself short either! Don’t feel obliged to sleep with someone just because you feel the date predicates it; make sure it means something and you’re getting exactly what you want out of it. If it’s your first time with that person, make sure you use protection and discretion. If your only date for the night is with Facebook, close down the laptop and treat yourself to a nice candle-lit bath. Or, if you’re stuck in the dorms, go take a nice hot shower and take as long as you want in there. No one’s judging!

These are just a few of the many things to think about for February 14th. If all else fails, remember, there’s always March 14th.

Pi Day. Because who doesn’t like pie! (What were you thinking about?)